Personal
by Life-is-meh
Summary: Amus ex-lovers have some dark personal secrets. I will be describing amuto and all that other stuff as flashbacks and stuff. Read to find out...  D


Ikuto: 23 Nagi:19 Amu:19 Tadase:19 Kukai:20

Personal  
Chapter 1, Funeral

'Amen' I repeated after the minister. I was tired from the long flight back home. Sadly, it didn't dull the ache. I loved her so much. She was my soul mate. She couldn't handle all the traveling my work call for though. She left me for a more stable lover. I could handle the not having her as long as she was happy, but this was to much. She was dead because I wouldn't quit. She was the only woman I could ever truly love. I Ikuto Tsukiyomi vow to never love another woman again.

Ikuto POV,

As Kukai cried over his dead lover I realized something. Though I may have been Amus only soul mate, maybe Tadase to, I wasn't her only love. Maybe not even her only true love. Seeing these men cry over her was like looking in a mirror. Kukai cried like us, for loosing someone he loved, but worse, because hes never been through loosing her at any level. Nadeshiko cried with sadness and shame, and the same look of an old lover. As far as I knew Nadeshiko was Amus only girlfriend. She was pretty, but in her own way you could say.

They began to lower the casket into the earth. A few people threw a single rose in. I looked up and a rain drop hit my eye. I just watched as people said their final goodbye. More time passed and the rain was picking up. I looked around to see almost everyone was leaving now. I saw Tadase and Kukai walking away together. Kairi snapped out of his deep thought and walked away with a determined look on his face. The only people left were me and her ex girlfriend Nadeshiko. I walked back into the church and called the hotel to cancel my reservation. I had booked a room in case I decided to stay longer. There was nothing left for me here. I then called the airport to send a taxi. ya, mhmm, alright. SH!T. The flight was cancelled due to weather risks!

I called back the hotel only to be informed all rooms were now gone. I sat on the ground against the wall. I clenched my fists together in anger. I wanted to yell and scream but I was just to tired. I shoved my hands in my pockets. I felt something. I pulled out the object. It was a razor earring from my sister, the only thing i had left of her. I examined the blade. I remembered the last time i used it.

**flash back*

It was late and I had just got back from my sisters funeral. Amu just left to go home to Kairi. I was filled with so many emotions. Mainly, pain. I was sitting on the bed and next thing i know, I'm throwing everything I can get my hands on. I hated Utau. How could she do this to me. It was so selfish of her to leave me like this. I had nobody in the world but her. After Amu left me I went mad with depression. Utau had actually let go of her sick love for me when she realized how much I loved Amu. So she was there, like a sister should be. But now she was gone, because of her own selfish reasons.

I would have thrown more but the rest was glued down, stupid hotel. So i started on my bags. This would suck tomorrow when I left for my flight but what the hell. I threw out all my clothes and stuff. When the bag was empty I beat my fists on the pile of stuff. I felt a sharp pain and lifted my hand to see a small cut. I looked back at the pile and say my sisters earring. The idea hit me before I could process it.

Five minutes my arm was filled with cuts. There was nobody to stop me. I cut again and again feeling sweet sweet pain.

**flashback end*

I guess the earring was here because this was my funeral suit, I haven't worn it in 3 months since Utau died. I pulled up my sleeve to reveal a few scars. They were old since after that night I decided to never cut again. My teenage years were filled with enough cutting to fill the lifetime of any emo. (plz do not be offended my emo fanz) I didnt care about any of that anymore. I didn't care about anything. Except letting all the pain and frustration that filled my body out. I pressed the earring to my skin remembering what it was like to feel the metal on me. I pressed and slid it along my wrist. Not deep enough to open a vain, deep enough though. I finished the cut. It wasn't enough though. I pulled my mp3 player out of my pocket and turned up 'If she knew voodoo like i do by get scared' as loud as it could go. I made a cut parallel to the first. I did more and more making stripes on my skin. I was lost in my own personal world. Nobody else was here so I didn't care to pay attention to my surroundings.

**lost in world of being a cutter =D a few minutes pass**

I look at my hand. I notice the blade earring is no longer in it. I shake my head, the head phones fell out. I look at my wrist. Its bleeding a lot but not to serious. I see hands on my wrist as well. I look up to see a person. Amu. I hug her and hold her because I never want to let her go. She squirms a little but then hugs me back. We hold each other for a minute. I want to stay like this but its getting late and the church will be closing soon. Plus, my high from cutting is wearing off. I let go of Amu. She pulls back and looks at me.

W... t... f... ? I see a woman with blue purple hair and light brown eyes. "Oh, oh my, sorr- i didn't mean- i thought you were someone else- i-" I tried to explain. I cant believe she just saw me cutting. How could I forget she was still here! I really hope she didn't want to commit me. "I wont tell if you don't want me to" She said. She smiled at me encouragingly. "I'm sorry about that. Yeah thanks, I know it's bad, I'm going to stop... eventually. Your Nadeshiko right?" I asked. "Yeah..." She looked like there was something more she wanted to say. I raised an eyebrow in question. "Nothing" She said. Whatever, I'm not going to pry.

I looked down and realized some of my blood was on her skirt. "Oh crap, I'm really sorry. Oh, let me pay for a new one or whatever." Damnit! She looked down and saw it to. "Oh, oh no its ok its fine don't worry about it." She said. "You sure?" I asked, I did feel bad. "Yes of course. Hey, do you need a ride somewhere?" She offered. I had to think about that. Airport, no. Hotel, no. Cliff I can jump off of, maybe... no. "I don't have anywhere to be" I said. "Do you want to stay at my house?" She offered. She was actually pretty nice. "Well I don't want to impose... but, I really don't have anywhere else to stay." "Oh thats fine, I like having guests"

I slipped the earring back in my pocket with my mp3 and head phones. We walked to the door and opened it. The rain had really picked up. We covered our heads with our arms and sprinted for her car. She got in the drivers and me the passenger. She drove us to her house. I looked out the window 10 minutes later to see the car want moving. "This is it" She said. I got out and looked at the house. It was just a cute little house with 1 level.

I followed her in. She flipped on the lights and sat on the couch. She motioned for me to sit with her. I did. She took off her shoes and threw them by the door. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back. Oh, and I live alone so were not expecting anybody else." She got up and went down a hall. I untied my shoes and threw them by hers. I took of my black suit jacket and set it on a hook by the door. What I really needed was to brush my teeth but the airport lost my luggage on the flight here.

She walked back in with a white case with a red plus sign on it. She sat down cross legged on the couch facing me. "Give me your hand" She said. I did. She examined my wrist. "Can you take off your shirt?" She asked. "Um, id rather not." Its not that I had anything against her but I didn't want her to see the extent of my cutting. "Ok... at least roll up your sleeve?" I did only enough to show the fresh cuts though. She gasped. There were 5 open cuts neatly lined up. They over lapped a variety of older cuts on my wrist. She opened the case and pulled out a baby wipe type thing. She wiped away all the red. The bleeding had stopped but the cuts were still pretty bad. I looked down at the floor in shame.

She cleaned and wrapped up my wounds. "I'm sorry" I mumbled after a minute of awkward silence. She looked up at me and to my surprise, slapped me. I guess I deserved it, one way or another. Plus, I was used to this. My step dad... I looked back up to see her silently crying. "Whats wrong?" I asked. "Don't ever be sorry for that" She said. "Oh, sorry" I mumbled. "Just.. just get some sleep" She instructed. "Oh, hold on a moment" She got up and went to a closet in the hall. She came back with a blanket and pillow. "Here, sorry I don't have a guest room, I hope the couch is ok" She had stopped crying. "Oh, yes of course, thank you very much" I assured her.

Surprise POV change!  
Kairi POV

She was gone. Gone forever! I miss her so much TT^TT She was dead and I was full of pain. I dont know what to do with myself anymore, but I do know one thing. I can't keep crying. It was shameful. I couldn't stop the tears though. I went to my backyard to practice sword stuff.

Another POV change!  
Nagi POV

I'm not quite sure how to explain how this happend, So I wont. As we are now though, I will describe. Ikuto was asleep next to me.

Back to Kairi POV =D

My samurai sword was standing stabbed into the ground next to me. I slid my arm along the blade. Blood was dripping along the metal. The cut went from the inner part of my elbow to my palm. I was no longer crying the tears of a weak man. I shed blood, like a true man. I felt amazing. Seeing through the veil of honor reasons, this was fun. I loved seeing the blade open my flesh. I loved seeing the blood trickle down. I loved not feeling anything in my head or heart, just my open arm. I loved feeling so much power. Being able to cut open someone with ease... was such a rush.

I just sat there for a while. Watching the blood flow slow down. Watching the blade dry. Feeling the tingling sensation in my arm. I loved it. The only problem was, the pain was going away. My thoughts and emotions were returning. What I was trying to forget was playing in my head full volume. My sweet Amu. How sad she was after Nadeshikos mental breakdown. She honestly loved her. It was a horrible break up. I figured she was lezbian. I just wanted to be there as a friend to comfort her.

It didnt stay friendly for long. We soon fell in love. She hadnt actually 'been' with a man since Ikuto. It was true love, or so I thought. I knew she loved me so I trusted her to be friends with men. I had no reason to worry. Her best friend died and I wasn't very good with that subject. So I let her and Kukai bond. Next thing I know, she left me.

I thought it was because I wasnt good enough. So I took steroids. It bacame an addiction. My family asked that I leave the house if I wouldnt quit. So I live alone now. Amu stayed my friend though. Now she dead... I dont want to think anymore.

I turned my arm to the bottom was facing up. I raised my other hand. I came down with full force. I smacked the cut as hard as I could. It brought new waves of pain, aka, pleasure. I didnt want to break my promise to Amu about never taking steroids, she never said no self mutilation though! I lay back on the grass and fall victum to sleep.

Normal POV  
Nagihiko Fujisaki wrestled with the thought of telling Ikuto her secret. Nobody knew except her family, and they disowned her because of it. She knew it would be better to tell before she formed another realtionship of any type. But, she was to afraid. She was sleeping on the couch with Ikuto for some reason. She didn't want to go back to her bed though because it might wake Ikuto up.

Ikuto Tsukiyomi dreamed about his beloved Amu. Not scary dreams of her death. Peaceful dreams about their life. In his dream he wanted to ask Amus permission to love another woman, for he was developing a crush. She said no. She yelled and screamed at him. He promised he was just curious, and that he would never be with a woman ever again.

Kairi Sanjo slept peacefully in a small puddle of his own blood out on his back lawn. He did not dream that night.

Tadase Hotori was masturbating over pictures of his best friend Kukai. He was high on acid so he was comfortable with being gay for the moment. He was imagining the grunts and moans Kukai was making was for him, not whoever was with him next door.

Kukai Soma was having rough sex with a random hooker. He was turning back to the sex addiction he had before Utau and him were together. He was loud and drunk.

Life is meh smiled to herself in satisfaction as she finished typing chapter one of her new fanfiction. Though she loves lemon and yaoi, she wants her characters to develop realationships before the sex. Meaning, rough sex wont be until at least... chapter 2! She also finds emo to be a major turn on, which might be why their is so much in this story. She is hoping her readers will favorite this story and author alert her. She also wishes you would review the story, good or bad. Preferably good though. She wishes you a good night, or day, possibly evening. 5 reviews and I will put yaoi or lemon in chapter 2. Less than 5, you shall wait until chapter 3...  
Okay, babai!


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